Receive the Joy

"If there's nothing worth dying for, there's nothing worth living for." 


For some, they might say their friends or family are reason enough to live, for others it would be their possessions they've worked so hard for, and for others it might just be that as long as they've had fun, they'd die happy. The thing is that "happiness" is solely an emotion.  Emotions change based on circumstances, at any moment in the day.  Most importantly, emotions are not eternal.  
If you asked me a few months ago, I would have said that once I got a teaching job, I'd be eternally happy - and now I have proof that it just isn't so.  It doesn't work like that.  I got my teaching job, and I was left unfulfilled.  I worked and I felt like a grown up, tried to have fun on the side.  At times I was happy, others I was stressed, other times just dead exhausted, or angry, or sad.   
Now some people might say that I've changed ever since I started going to Generations Church.  They're right, but my church isn't what changed me.  I had an encounter with Jesus and HE is who changed me.  I see things through different eyes - I've realized that I can't see things as the world does.  I can go to church, but this isn't what makes the difference in my life, being committed to God is.  I've made a huge leap and am learning how to surrender myself 100%.  
I can honestly say now that I still do experience emotions just like any other person, but I have something even better than happiness.  I have joy.  Joy is eternal.  Joy can go through all crisis.  When a typically stressful, overwhelming, scary, or saddening situation occurs during my day, I have to deal with my feelings, but it's not the roller coaster I used to ride on.  Despite anything that happens to me throughout my day, I have a comfort in me... I have true joy.  God's blessed me, and not because I'm even remotely perfect, but because he knows that I've put all my trust and faith in him.  That he could change anything around in my life, and it wouldn't matter because I have an abundance of him in my life.


The truth is that God doesn't ask us for anything.  He doesn't want or need anything from us.  All he wants is for us to be faithful.  This doesn't make us weak.  Faith isn't just something that works for a certain kind of person.  Having faith in God is for everyone... "what is life without the Life Giver?" Receive your true joy :) 


*Thank you Esmerelda for receiving this message in Colombia and bringing it back for me!

It's a Heart Issue

I used to be one of those people who wished for all kinds of things.  Things I believed would make me happy, if only I could just have it, my life would be made.  If I got it, I would just wish for something else.  Sometimes I'd get it, and I'd wish I never would have wished for that to happen in the first place.  That's where faith comes in.   I learned that wishing gets me no where... it often got me in trouble. 


Faith truly is "a heart issue".  Where is your heart at?  Some people worry and think that will get them somewhere when really it only stresses them out and frustrates them.  Other people become addicted to substances or idolize things or people because they believe it fills them up with what they need in order to be happy, or maybe just to numb their feelings.  When someone doesn't just know about God, but they know Him, they know Him on a personal level, and they don't make faith/church/God a compartment of their life, but they make it apart of their whole life, everything they do, they are giving up all their burdens.  They no longer have to carry that with them and they can live a life with true abundance.   God doesn't want to see us depressed, that's not something someone should ever have to accept as a part of their life!  He doesn't want to see us hurt and overwhelmed - why should anyone have to live a life like that??  When something wrong happens, I was told, that alarms should be going off in our heads - but "instead of being fearful, we should act practical, be wise, have a faithful heart because Jesus already died at the cross for us - he paid for all of these sins, for us!  Bring all of those hurts and worries to the cross, be done with it" and live in peace.  


I've realized that by having a heart wide open, God is able to get in and pour in what he wants to bless me with.  I am faithful for what I've been given, and I want to use it so I can be trusted with more blessings.  People will often be worried about worldly things, bad things that might happen to them or people they love, but it is completely "impossible to fail when you are dependent on the cross."


"Man is the sum of his thoughts." A mind renewed by true faith "does not permit thoughts of poverty, scarcity, ruin, frustration, or failure."  Rather, "the thoughts of the diligent surely lean toward abundance."


Where is your heart at?  Does your heart wish only to be left with worry and frustration?  Or is your heart dependent on the cross "so that you may live life, and live it more abundantly"?


"People who don't pray think they don't need God.  They think they can do it all on their own.  Wishing will never be a substitute for prayer.  In prayer it is better to have a heart without words, than words without a heart.   Humble yourself and pray."  -Pastor Rich Wittmer 


[thank you to all the pastors and leaders at Generations Church for helping me see these revelations and for all the time you devote to spreading the word of God every day.  And most importantly, thank you God for living in my heart.]

Falling into 2010!

Well. It IS 2010! Welcome Mr. New Year. Thank you, as always, for a fresh start. :)


This year has a lot to live up to, considering I had a long list of resolutions last year and accomplished them ALL (except one.. i love downloading music too much to stick with that one, plus I got talked out of it). 
I lived up to my resolutions, and did some extraordinary things in 2009:

• Volunteered at the Children's Museum, resulting in a part time job
• Taught all kinds of kids at Sylvan Learning Center
• Deemed Valentines Day as "Love the People in my Life Day/Hearts are a cool shape day"
• Had my first Tropical Escape Birthday Party.. not to mention, I turned 23 and loved it!
• Got a gym membership & a short term personal trainer 
• Learned how to wake board (about time, huh?)
• Went to Country Fest for the first time... & loved it, minus getting kicked
• Got a full time teaching position in Arizona
• Got one of my best friends a full time teaching position in AZ.. and got her to move in with meee :)
• Bought & fell in love with my first new car... Ella the Elantra 
• Survived the first half of the year with a bunch of 6th graders
• Self-appointed myself as the Cheer Coach
• Went floating down the Colorado River... in the day AND in the night
• Traveled the whole five minutes to Mexico
• Cooked all kinds of new things with my roomie - including oven - explosive Ziti
• Drove to California for the first time by myself, in the dark, with no GPS 
• Dressed up as a Ghost Buster for Halloween
• Discovered an amazing church & had an Encounter!! <3
• Made a covenant with God to have a devotional life
• Learned how to truly forgive & be at peace with myself
• Built a fort with my roomie in our living room.. even created fort building gear
• Had Thanksgiving in Hollywood!
• Went to my first Christmas Party OUTSIDE without being freezing cold
• Made it home to my friends and family in WI without turning into an icicle!
• Prayed & witnessed so many miracles! 

No pressure 2010... you are the year of surprise and more miracles - I won't worry about it :)

A Secret Recipe

I've been told this before, but it's official: teachers are actors. The students in my first ever classroom of my very own are big kids; they're at the top of the school, sixth graders who test their limits and everyone else's constantly. Every day. Every minute. What ever battle they choose, I must always win. What ever choice they choose, I have to be ready for. How ever high they raise the bar, I have to go that much higher.

As a girl who is very sensitive, I have to act tough. As a girl who always cares way too much, I have to take a step back and act as though the decisions they make don't bother me as much as they do.

I am an actress in the profession of teaching. My secret recipe for surviving my first year is made up of ingredients I've gathered from all kinds of people (mostly my DAD).

The most crucial ingredient is knowing that the choices they make as kids do not reflect me as a teacher... it's being able to not care quite as much and having rules that are in black & white, and following through with those rules. (I am not much of a black and white thinker, therefore, this is something else I am adding to my acting repertoire). It's being able to recognize that these are just kids who were just like me. They're just trying to fit in and figure out who they are. I should be all too familiar with this.

Soon enough, I think this acting will come all too natural to me, I'll be a total professional. However, just like every profession, it requires a lot of training and a lot of practice.

My recipe for surviving this year also calls for my inner child to come out, which is what I can honestly say I am a professional at. It requires caring for these kids as though they are my real kids. I wouldn't really know what that's like yet, but I can only imagine: lots of tough love.

To complete this recipe, you need to enjoy it for what it is. You need to have a score card and check off each days as either "a great day", "a good day", or an "it could be better day".

I am a teacher, and as a teacher I am also an actress, among other things. I am a learner myself. I have a tough job that I love - it drives me crazy, it's never ending, and it's exhausting. My first year teaching is insane and makes me want to break down and cry some days... but then I remember my recipe and I realize all of these incredible things that I am learning with what seems to be the toughest class of a lifetime.

This is exactly what I wanted for my first year though, isn't it? To be challenged & to challenge my students.

Finally, no one can forget the ingredient that makes the whole recipe of surviving the first year teaching: God, friends, and family.

Fresh thoughts are worth new ink

At times I'd like to be able to experience every profession, just to truly test out the "field" and compare them to my own.  I only semi-tried-out two, when I left school on "Take Your Daughter To Work" Day.  Clearly it was a fifty-fifty shot I was either going to be working with people's teeth or teaching them, and since I'm easily grossed out, I went with teaching.  Alright, that's really not exactly how that all went down, but see, we all have so many memories of being in school, or getting to leave school.  What I'm really trying to get at here... I just feel really fortunate for having what I consider the perfect job for me.  Being a teacher, I get to be apart of those really special/funny/awkward/proud moments for all kinds of kids.  I wonder sometimes if the kids I've taught so far in my life, will remember me and if I helped shed some sort of light on... on anything.  That's the thing with teaching, it's not strictly subjects that we teach.  

We teach how to approach a difficult problem, what to do when you're frustrated and your "head feels flatter than a pancake!", and how to have an open mind.  

There are always teachers who stand out to each of us, who have made learning fun and meaningful, who have brought out the best in us, who said one little piece of advice or one little  compliment and we are forever changed, forever grateful.  

Likewise, there are always students who stand out to each teacher... the students who made an everlasting impact on the teacher; the students who have made the teacher grow.

I know what this feels like on both ends of the spectrum.  

You don't see it coming, you don't know when you first meet a student if he or she will force you to learn more than you ever planned on.

And so, when I started teaching a first grader, *Jay, who knew I would have to dig so deep to find what would work for him.  What DO I have to do for this child when his head is flat like a pancake, or when he gets tangled up in all of the words on the page, even just one word? How do I help him not wiggle around in his chair causing him to fall out?  What am I supposed to do when he's near tears because the simplest question I ask him isn't something he knows how to answer?  How am I supposed to show him that it's okay if his drawing of a lion doesn't look just like a real lion?  All of these questions, continually, day to day, on top of my other students I was supposed to be teaching.  

So as a teacher, I'm learning day by day.  I researched and experimented and learned.  I discovered what "works" for Jay, although each day is different and I had to be equally as prepared even when I thought I had it all figured out.  

Although each child, each person, is different, if I have another student similar to Jay, maybe now I'll have a better idea of where to begin with him (or her).  If his head feels flatter than a pancake, I'll tell him to take a deep breath, to rest his head for a bit until it's full again.  I'll read through a new book with him at a good pace, stopping to let him fill in words I know he knows, help him to break up or sound out tricky words, and cross-check to make sure it makes sense in the story.  I'll find a different kind of chair for him where it's near impossible to wiggle in, and if he still tries, I'll be there to remind him that it's harder to read when his body is moving all over the place.  I'll give him plenty of time to think of an answer, and if the question just doesn't make sense, I'll stop and help him to make connections, talk him through it until it does make sense.

I don't give up easily.  And I'll teach my kids to do the same.  Just as I helped Jay draw animals.  He was very precise and knew his drawings weren't going to compare to real animals, so he wouldn't try.  Even after telling him it was okay, it doesn't have to be perfect because it's YOUR version of a lion.  When that wasn't enough, I decided to help him to look at the picture in the book to see different shapes that made up the lion.  ("I see kind of a long sideways oval for the body, do you?"  "Look at all those lines going around his circular face for a mane, can you try to do that?").  

It's a good feeling for both student and teacher when the student shows progress.  My last day working with Jay, he was to read a sentence full of long vowel words and draw an illustration of what the sentence was about.  I thought, "Uh oh, it's about a mule.  Prepare yourself, Allie."  With no reminders on how to sound out the long vowels, even after he got stuck, he stopped, slowed down, thought about it, and got it right.  Then, naturally, asked what a mule was.  I pointed to a picture of it in one of his other books.  I waited as he looked at it, and there he went observing the shapes that made up this silly little mule.  It turned out wonderfully.  Who KNEW?!  Who knew that in this child, who most would simply consider "wild"... I saw a curious, thoughtful, observant, precise, detail oriented, outstanding ball of energy.   

Jay made me learn - he pushed me to become an even better teacher. And I'm so thankful that I had the opportunity to teach him.  Now I'm off to a new adventure.  Just like I always wanted, to go where I'm needed.  Not to get away from my amazing friends and family, but to take on a challenge where I'll change the world little by little.

"To be afraid and leap regardless: There is such power in that." S. H.

Mia Michaels said something like "if what you're doing doesn't make you a little bit nervous, doesn't challenge you, and you become bored, then you probably should be done with it."  I'm so nervous, so anxious, so thrilled and excited.  I am just beginning.  I know people are just waiting and wondering how I'm going to react when, as Jeremy said, a little sixth grade punk heckles me.  Well, it will all be told right here.  And who knows, maybe that little "punk" will be one of many who helps his teacher learn and become that much better.  Who knows?

The Truths of Optimism

picture from www.boygirlparty.com

It's not surprising, really, for someone to call me an optimist. Honestly, I don't take any offense to it either, like some people might intend for it to be.  This is because, as far as I'm concerned, optimism isn't being naive or living in a fantasy world where everything is all okay; it's about being hopeful and willing to see things positively because that's what it takes to survive in and help change a world full of too many harsh realities.  

How can I not be optimistic, as I am one of the fortunate ones.  I am not a girl living in a  constant state of fear or wondering how I'm going to survive each day; instead, I am a girl who is able to choose what it is I want to do with my life and has the freedoms that so many only dream about. I am a girl who lives peacefully at home, despite the fact that my country is potentially "failing" as truths come out about our privacy being disrupted, as our economy is in a fighting downward spiral and whose country, the one I call home, is despised by so many others.  People who don't even know me millions of miles away hate me because I'm an American.  

Yet, I, like other Americans, clearly haven't given up.  We witnessed one of the single most important days in our country as a man who signifies hope was inaugurated into presidency.  We see our chance, a small ray of opportunity to change the way we were portrayed by other countries, to pick ourselves up and make things better again.  He specifically calls us to not claim to part of the red states or the blue states, rather, the United States.  

He's willing to take on a huge challenge, and he's asking us all to help.  So for those people who are stubborn enough to love and choose their political party over their country by waiting for, and even selfishly wanting for our new President to fail, are just going to have to be made up for by the people who are willing to do their part to rebuild our country.

President Obama never once said he was going to do this himself, because that would be near impossible; but he is stepping up, helping us to strategize and inspire us because he knows the power of coming and working together - after all, look at all of these other broken up countries involved in civil wars - we're over that, we're better than that, and now is our time to prove it. 

So yes, I am optimistic and believe that we really can take this chance and become better - why wouldn't I want to at least try?  I don't care what race my president is, I don't care what political party he is, I just care about his good character, morale, intelligence, determination, and dedication to our country, and I don't know how anyone could refute that President Obama owns each and every one of those characteristics.  

I don't care to hear anyone, democrat or republican, say "I told you so", but honestly, I hope and have the faith in our President and country that we can, in fact, make a change for the better.

With that being said, I'm going to do my part, even if that means picking up and moving to an underprivileged area so that children who no one else believes in, will have a fair chance at succeeding.  I'm so excited to help out where I am needed, not to gain any sort of recognition and clearly not for money reasons, but so I know what I'm doing is truly worthwhile.  

I will do my part, optimism and all, take it or leave it, but I'm doing it, and I believe others will too.

"I wish you could have been there"

You have no idea how strange it feels not to think in Spanish almost every second of the day anymore, and I kind of miss it at times.  Some of the phrases and words are just so fun to say, and it's a little work out for your brain.  

I surprised myself- I didn't even cry at all as I left Costa Rica.  Not during my surprise going away parties with the fourth or fifth grade class, not during my last fancy ceviche dinner or arepas and coffee breakfast with Flor, not even in our taxi ride as we held hands the whole way to the airport.  Yes I was sad to be leaving all my new friends, students, and beautiful second home, and no, I do no like saying goodbye.  I especially do not like saying goodbye to a classroom full of amazing kids clinging to me and begging me to stay. - ones who are determined to come visit me and promise to write to me and ones who were my biggest challenge but forced me to grow.  I did it tear-free.  Even as I received beautiful gifts of flowers, notes, jewelry, and coffee beans (!) from other teachers in the school and my host family, as we hugged good bye and promised to keep in touch (we better).

I promise I'm not a heartless person, it's just that my body knew that I didn't have a reason to cry when I learned as much as I did, after I accomplished so much.

Why should I be sad when I've taken back so much with me? - so many pieces of a country, a culture, and friendships that will never escape me - and hopefully left just as much behind for them. 

As Brian Andreas says so beautifully:

 "I wish you could have been there 

for the sun & the rain & the long, hard hills.  

For the sound of the people laughing & crying & remembering at the end. 

 But, mainly, I wish you could have been there."

Now that I can courageously drink black coffee (if it's good coffee) and discipline a room full of monkeys (and love them at the same time) - now that I am capable of having conversations in another language and actually understand a lot of the lyrics in my Latin music - now that I have seen some of the most breath-taking coasts, mountains, exotic flowers and some entertaining creatures, typical dances, and intricately painted carts - now that I've danced the Salsa and Merengue with the Ticos and learned how to make some Tican meals - after all of this, I know why I had to go there in the first place.

But my bones feel so comfortable and nice back home for awhile (without my umbrella and rain boots).